Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
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