How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
