I am spending my child support on dildos
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
