wat bout pragnant strippers??
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
