Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
