So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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