i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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