Jerry, you need to find god
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
