I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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