I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
