I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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