you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
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