Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Randomize
