Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
