She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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