how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
