I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
