Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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