im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
