I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
