All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Randomize
