Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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