She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
