i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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