well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
