This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
