why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
