who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize