Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
