If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
