i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
And the cops told us we were all naked.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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