She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I am available for nakedness
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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