All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize