i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I AM VODKA MAN
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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