Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
