you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
