my phone needs a breathalizer
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
