no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
