I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
