There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
