So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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