The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize