Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
