turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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