You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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