thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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