allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Randomize
