Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Still dying that you shit outside
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
