Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
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