I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
