I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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