Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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