You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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