OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
