Michael Bay diarrhea
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
