Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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