Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
So much Jack, so little girl.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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