Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Randomize