he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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