The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
