this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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