now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Such a big mess for such a small penis
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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