genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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