he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
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