Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
