dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Randomize
