I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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