I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
You pole danced in your parka.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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